I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize