I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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