You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
