I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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