ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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