I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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