Your mouth is God's brothel.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
