I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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