Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
