My first STD was from a foam party
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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