I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
