Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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