how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
