i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize