fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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