i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize