I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
