and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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