Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This is my gift to your gina
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
