yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize