You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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