I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
