Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
