the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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