She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
