What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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