Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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