Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
