Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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