you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
