Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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