I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
