sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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