I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
