True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
