if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
