i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize