At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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