my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
