I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
