we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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