these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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