awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
