i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
