I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
