I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My bed smells like the plague
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
