My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
