Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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