dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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