Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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