You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize