I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
