Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
