This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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