fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
