He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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