I cut my penus on the lid.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
