I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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