I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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