I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
