I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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