Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize