I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think your dad took our porno
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Randomize
