the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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