Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize