Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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