I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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