Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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