i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
