he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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