On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
